Birth Story: A Solo Passage to Motherhood

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For many, it’s the news you never want to hear. Lila Makena (not her real name), a yoga teacher living in San Francisco, had been dating a man for one month. They’d been intimate three times, using condoms every time, when soon after, Lila started feeling sick. "I would go to yoga, and I’d feel like I was dying," she says. "It didn’t dawn on me that I was pregnant. We’d practiced safe sex. I had irregular periods. Now I tell my friends there’s no such thing as safe sex."

It wasn’t until Lila, who was 32, had a dream that she was pregnant that she tested herself and found it was true. Her freaked-out boyfriend wanted her to get an abortion, but her sister had just given birth to twins after dealing with fertility issues, and Lila wanted to keep the baby and moved back to Colorado to live with her parents. "My parents were supportive," says Lila. "They said come and stay with us, have a healthy pregnancy, and we’ll figure things out."

The boyfriend wanted to stay in contact and have a say in issues like discipline tactics and school choices, but he didn’t offer any financial support. Lila spoke with him by telephone for a while, but he was angry and often picked fights; four months into the pregnancy, Lila found their conversations too stressful and stopped communication. She focused instead on how much she enjoyed being pregnant with a baby boy. "I loved being pregnant, I felt so beautiful," she says. "I had the help of my parents, so I wasn’t living alone. My mom helped cook meals. I was able to sleep well. I wasn’t working."

There were no problems until 36 weeks, when Lila developed preeclampsia and was put on bed rest. She’d gained 80 pounds on her 5-foot frame, which she attributes to not exercising beyond a couple of home yoga workouts a week, and from the underlying stress of wondering how it all would go. She spent the last four weeks in her room reading, sleeping, or watching television. "I knew I was safe," she says. "Even if they had to induce me at 36 weeks, he would be OK."

Lila made it to 40 weeks when the doctors decided to induce labor. She arrived at the hospital with her mom and her doula on Dec. 13 and got a shot of labor-inducing potossin at 8 a.m. Right away, pain began. "I had thought, ‘OK, I’m going to breathe,’" says Lila. "I’m a yogini. I won’t take any drugs. Well, after they gave me the potossin, I freaked out, I said I couldn’t handle this. I need drugs. My doula helped coach me for about six hours. She was there, in my face, holding my hand, helping me visualize water."

Meanwhile, Lila’s mother tried to get her to visualize an epidural, so the doula asked her mom to leave the room. "My mom was there saying ‘Take an epidural’ and shoving peanut M&M’s in her mouth," says Lila. "That’s what she does when she’s stressed."

After six hours of painful labor, Lila still was not dilating, so she finally decided to have an epidural between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m. "After the epidural, it was great," says Lila. "My mom was back in, helping me, everything kind of calmed down. My dad was coming in and out of the room." By 8 p.m., she still hadn’t progressed and the doctor was concerned, saying the baby was under stress. Lila was told she needed a Caesarean section.

"Before I know it, I’m in the operating room, surrounded by about 15 people," says Lila. "My mom was there with me; the doula came in and took pictures. I remember lying on the table and thinking, ‘Just let him be OK.’" At 9:24 p.m. on Dec. 13, her baby boy was born healthy and strong.

Adjusting to solo parenting wasn’t easy. Lila’s body hurt and the sleep deprivation was hard. It was also hard not having a person there to watch her son when she took a shower, or support her emotionally through her struggles with nursing and other adjustments to life after having a baby. There have also been advantages to solo mothering. Lila doesn’t have to check with anyone to make a decision about her son, and avoids the strain some couples feel, trying to parent together. "Whatever I feel is best for him is in my control," she says.

Her son’s biological father came to meet him, and spent a total of six days with him in two years, but has no legal parenting rights. Lila’s parents set her up in her own home after the birth. They finance her so she can be a stay-at-home mom until her son goes to kindergarten. She sees her parents often—Lila’s dad is a key father figure to her boy.

The experience has been a lesson for Lila in both grace and grit, but mostly, grace. "One of the things I’ve learned is to forgive myself," says Lila. "I didn’t have a natural birth, I had a C-section. I didn’t nurse for two years, I nursed for six months. I have moments where I think, ‘Oh, I wanted to experience this with a partner.’ Hopefully somewhere down the road there will be a man in our lives. But my son is the greatest gift, the best thing that has ever happened to me, and it has brought me so much love and woke me up to being a better person."

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Jean Weiss is the mother of a 5-year-old girl and a regular contributor to MSN.com.