Should You Move Your Parent Into Your Home?

Quick summary

You're thinking about moving your parent in with you. It might be because you don't want your parent in a nursing home, because you want your kids to bond with their grandparent, or because it's the only financially viable option you can think of. It could be out of love and compassion, or a sense of responsibility or guilt. Whatever your motivation, making that move will have a profound impact on your life that you need to consider carefully first.

The benefits and drawbacks

If you decide to go ahead, you won't be alone: One out of every four caregivers lives with the elderly or disabled relative he or she cares for. This arrangement can have many positives. If your parent is still relatively healthy, he may be able to babysit or otherwise help around the house, contribute financially, and get to know your children in a way that would never be possible with only occasional visits.

But it's not right for everyone. It may be cheaper than putting your parent in a nursing home (which costs about $60,000 per year on average) or an assisted living facility (about $30,000 per year on average), but you could pay a heavy price in terms of time, stress, fatigue, and strained relations.

Take the time to consider the following 10 questions when deciding whether to have your parent come live with you.

1. What kind of care will your parent need?

What is your parent's physical and mental condition and what chronic illness does he or she have? These are the first questions you need to answer.

If your parent is still relatively healthy and independent, this may be the ideal time to move him in. He can become accustomed to his new surroundings and will initially require little care from you or other family members. Your kids will get to know him while he's still healthy.

Most people don't consider moving a parent in until he has some sort of health setback or crisis. In that case, it's very likely you'll be coping with your parent's chronic illness. "Know the illness very well," says Donna Schempp, the program director for the Family Caregiver Alliance in San Francisco. "And not just the illness here and now. Where's this illness going to be six months, a year, two years, and five years from now? What are his care needs going to be now and in the future? You need that information."

Even if your parent is just slowing down and there's no specific illness such as Alzheimer's or cancer to deal with, you still need to anticipate your parent's future condition based on family history or his personal history. Bringing your parent to your home as an interim solution is another viable solution. It may be that your parent can live with you until his condition deteriorates to a point where he needs assisted living or a nursing home.

2. How much assistance and supervision can you provide?

Caring for your parent is a great way to give back some of the love, care, and nurturing he gave to you.

When you take care of your parent, you provide a model for your children that shows them what caring and commitment are about. It prepares them for the time when you may need care from them and eventually when they may need care from their own children. It's good for children to learn how to nurture. They can assist in your parent's care. "Children can be very sweet and kind, even to a demented grandparent," says Schempp.

• Be realistic about what you can and cannot do for your parent. Realize, too, that the level of assistance he needs will most likely increase over time.
• Know your limits. If your parent needs help with bathing, dressing, or going to the bathroom, are you comfortable helping? If your parent is incontinent and the idea of changing his diaper makes you uncomfortable, you might need to find an in-home aide to have your parent live at home. On the other hand, maybe your parent is just becoming more forgetful, and you're really good at organizing his medications and helping him make sure to take them. Or perhaps you're good at paperwork and can cut through red tape and help with his Medicare or health insurance forms.
• Consider your schedule. If you have a full-time job and young kids at home, consider the impact of taking in a parent who needs a lot of assistance. If, for example, your parent needs help getting to the bathroom several times every night, you could soon be suffering from a major case of sleep deprivation. You may be reacting to a health crisis your parent has recently had, or thinking about the move as a preventive measure because your parent is slowly losing the ability to take care of himself. In either case, think about whether you have the time and energy to take this on.

3. How well do you get along?

Look at the history of your relationship with your parent. If you enjoy each other's company and can successfully resolve your differences, that's a real plus. That doesn't mean you can never argue or you have to be best friends. All families have some conflict, and if you and your parent can both get over it quickly or simply agree to disagree, then you've already done much of the groundwork. You may also be able to bond with your parent in a new way and forge a happier new relationship as an adult. Your children will have the opportunity to get to know their grandparent better, or perhaps for the first time.

If you've never really gotten along with your parent, don't expect the relationship to change magically now. When he visits you, if you're grinding your teeth after an hour and feel like running out the door, then having him move in may not be a good idea. You may feel you're doing the right thing, but if you're both going to be miserable, it's probably wiser to pursue other options first.

Certain ailments, like dementia and Alzheimer's, can change your parent's personality. This change can be for better or for worse. Will you be able to handle what happens when an illness like dementia progresses? You may have always had a good relationship with your parent, but dementia can make him angry or paranoid in ways you've never seen before. On the other hand, a difficult person could become very sweet. "You just don't know," says Schempp. "When you move someone in with you, you have to know what the backup plan is: If this doesn't work out, what's going to happen next?"

4. Is your home parent-friendly, and if not, can you make it so?

Ideally, place an elder parent on the first floor so he doesn't have to climb any stairs. If that's impossible, and your parent can't handle stairs, you can put in an automatic stair lift. For sources, search online for electric stair lifts.

Similarly, if you have steps leading up to your front door, you may have to put in a ramp ($400 and up, plus installation). For sources, look online using search terms such as adaptive access.

Here are some other things to consider:

• Is there a bathroom available on the floor your parent is on?
• Is the bathroom big enough to handle a wheelchair or walker if necessary? For a wheelchair, the doorway needs to be at least 32 inches wide, and preferably 36 inches.
• Will one of your children have to give up a bedroom to accommodate your parent? Could a child share his or her bedroom with the grandparent?
• If there's no extra bedroom, can you convert a living room or den into a bedroom for your parent? Can you convert an attic or basement into a bedroom for you or a child and have your parent move into an existing bedroom?
• Will everyone have a level of privacy they're comfortable with?
• What renovations will be necessary to make your home parent-friendly, and how will you pay for it?

A good source for a variety of suppliers selling a wide range of home modification products is the National Resource Center on Supportive Housing and Home Modification.

5. Will your parent contribute financially?

Moving your parent into your home can be a financial drain, but it can also have financial benefits.

• Lighten your financial burden: Have your parent contribute. Parents often want to contribute to the household and can pay more than a nominal amount for food. Many pay rent if they can afford it, or pay for some or all of the renovations required to prepare your home.
• There's no single right or wrong way to handle finances. Your family needs to decide what will work best for everyone. Come to a financial agreement with your parent before making the decision to have him move in. This won't necessarily be easy, because money is an emotionally charged subject in most families. To avoid problems or resentments later, have open discussions about this up front.
• By pooling your resources, you might come up with a better living arrangement for everybody. Using the financial resources of both you and your parent, you may be able to get a home that's much more comfortable than either of you could afford alone. "I know a number of people who bought a bigger, better house for everybody to live in together," says Schempp. "Sometimes everyone can get better care by pooling resources."
• Include siblings in the money talks. If you're receiving money from your parents, will your siblings agree with this, or will they object or resent it? Will your siblings help pay for the cost of care? Big financial issues often arise between caregivers and their siblings. "How are your siblings going to feel about you getting paid money that was eventually going to be their inheritance?" Schempp asks. "There's no simple answer. It's really about families talking and deciding what the agreement is going to be."

If you move your parent in, it will probably cost you, both in dollars and lifestyle. A recent study by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and Evercare found that caregivers spend on average about $5,500 a year out of pocket to care for an aging parent or relative. A smaller study by the NAC showed the numbers may be much higher: Those who lived with their parent spent almost $15,000 a year for care.

How do people afford it? The study found that most make sacrifices elsewhere:

• Almost half cut back on vacations and leisure activities.
• One-third dip into savings.
• One-quarter cut back on groceries and spending for their own health or dental care to help pay for their aging parent's care.

6. How do your spouse and children feel about the move-in?

This may be a great opportunity for your children to form close ties with their grandparent. The United States today is such a mobile society that children often don't get much chance to be around the older members of their family. Some children barely know their grandparents, especially if they live far away. If your parent is still relatively healthy, your children could benefit from the stories Grandpa or Grandma can tell, the oral history and life lessons they can pass down, the arts and crafts they may be able to teach your children, not to mention the babysitting services that benefit everyone.

When you take in your parent, you're modeling how to take care of your own family and teaching your children the meaning of commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice. Children need to be prepared for the extra chores that might be necessary to take care of Grandpa and to relinquish some of the spotlight, since their needs will now sometimes take a back seat to their grandparent's. A child may have to give up her bedroom or share it with a sibling or with your parent, and she may need help adapting.

Do your spouse and parent get along, or do they bicker? If your parent is in decent health, he may not require a lot of attention. But if your parent needs a lot of help and supervision, you and your spouse will get a lot less alone time and your social lives may be put on hold. Make sure you're both prepared for this sacrifice before proceeding.

7. Will your parent be able to live by the rules of your house?

When a parent moves in with you, it creates a sea change in your relationship. You're now the primary caretaker and decision-maker, not your parent.

It's an opportunity for your entire family to reassess current rules, decide which ones work, and make new ones where necessary. If everyone is willing to adapt and compromise, you can create household rules that work for the entire family and give your parent a chance to adjust gracefully to his new dependent role.

These are some of the issues:

• Will your parent be able to adjust to the loss of some of the independence and perhaps the space and privacy he's used to?
• Will your parent respect your values with regard to your children and how you live your life?
• If your parent smokes or drinks, is that going to be a problem in your home?
• Will your parent respect the levels of cleanliness and orderliness you're comfortable with in your home?
• Does your parent have a pet you're taking in? If so, will your parent respect your boundaries with regard to pet behavior and cleanliness?

Some parents adjust to their dependent role easily. Others fight it, or are depressed or angered by it. Will your parent accept your assistance? Will you be thrust back into your old role of son or daughter, with your parent constantly telling you what to do? Will he make you feel as though you never get it right and can never do enough to satisfy his needs? If so, you may just grin and bear it. Or you could take this as an opportunity to set some new boundaries with your parent and forge a new relationship.

8. Will you and your family be able to adjust to the lifestyle changes involved in having a parent in the house?

Think about meals, noise levels in the house, what's on the stereo. Will your family and your parent's preferences and styles be compatible?

This may be an opportunity to try some new foods that everyone can enjoy. If your parent needs to eat bland food and your family likes spicy food, you can put the extra salt and spices on the table to add individually to plates.

If you have a teenager who's used to making noise and playing loud music, but Grandpa needs quiet at night, perhaps your teen can adjust by using headphones after a certain hour.

If your parent moves into your home and quarters are cramped, it may take a while to adjust to the loss of privacy and personal space. On the other hand, if you're able to pool your resources and move everyone to a new, larger home, it can be a win-win situation for everyone.

Your family may have to put off some vacations and leisure activities to take care of your parent. If so, this is a chance for your kids to learn the importance of making sacrifices, however difficult, for the greater good of the family.

9. Do you have the time to take this on?

If you're working full time, seriously consider the time it takes to have a dependent parent at home.

• Aside from personal care, there are many logistics to take care of. An independent parent can make his own arrangements, but otherwise the burden of making phone calls for services and medical appointments will fall on you. You may have to fill out medical forms and deal with insurance companies. If your parent doesn't drive, then a family member has to take him to appointments and meetings. Can you do that given your current work schedule?
• If your parent requires full- or part-time supervision, who will do that while you're at work? Can you afford to cut back your hours at work when a parent moves in? Or you may need a more flexible schedule to care for your parent. Does your job provide that option? These are things you need to discuss with your employer before you decide to move your parent in. More than a few caregivers have lost or given up their jobs because they couldn't juggle the competing demands of work and taking care of their parent.
• Take the time to take care of yourself. If you take your parent into your home, you'll want to figure out how to balance your care giving with some care receiving. Caregivers are more prone to illness due to stress and exhaustion, the so-called "caregiver syndrome." And because they're taking care of others, they often forget or hesitate to ask for help themselves. To replenish your mind, body, and spirit, you'll want to think about taking a yoga class, getting a massage, or going to the spa. There are also many support groups for caregivers, either in-person or online. It helps to realize you're not alone in what you're going through. Several organizations offer support groups and classes for caregivers, including the National Alliance for Caregiving, the National Family Caregivers Association, and the Family Caregiver Alliance.

10. Will your parent have a social network available?

If your parent is moving a long distance to live with you, he's leaving his social network and friends. Most caregivers drastically underestimate how hard it is and how long it takes for their parent to adjust to a new environment in a new town. "It's huge," says Schempp. "How are you going to deal with their loneliness issues? They're going to look to you for their socialization. How are you going to either integrate them into your life or help them create a new life for themselves?"

If you and your spouse are at work and the kids are at school, that could mean a lot of alone time for your parent. Rather than have him just sit around and watch TV all day, you'll want to find out whether there's a senior center or adult daycare facility nearby. Does your parent drive or will you or another family member have to provide transportation? Is your parent healthy enough to use public transportation?

Are adult daycare facilities available near you? They offer personal care such as exercise and even transportation, and provide cultural activities such as art or photography classes or trips to museums. Likewise, senior centers can provide a great social network and generally are free or have very low annual membership fees.