Managing Personal Relationships When You Have Bipolar Disorder
Q: I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My mood swings have been going on for a number of years and have damaged many of my relationships. I’m on medication now and feel 100 percent better, but I cannot change what’s already happened. Do you have any suggestions on how to best explain my illness to relatives, friends and others?
A: Explaining bipolar disorder can be difficult. There are no specific blood tests or brain imaging scans to reveal the problem. The reason: Bipolar disorder is a malfunction of the brain that causes a varying pattern of behavior. It is only with careful study of a patient's actions and mood changes over many months—even years—are we able to make the diagnosis. Once this conclusion is made, people will need to accept that your problem isn't "all in your head." They should consider mental illness a very real medical condition, like diabetes, heart disease and cancer. Just as those conditions affect a person’s quality of life, so does bipolar disorder.
People you choose to tell about your illness will need to learn a little about the disorder and its wide array of emotional behaviors, from deep lows to full-throttle mania. More specifically, these behaviors can range from depression to exhilaration, irritability to anger, lack of energy to a power surge, requiring tons of sleep to needing little or none. Someone suffering from bipolar disorder may have periods of increased productivity at work only to be followed by more destructive and reckless mania, such as gambling, infidelity or substance abuse. Needless to say, having bipolar disease can put a strain on even the best relationships.
Besides educating your friends and family about your illness, I would suggest that you also let them know how important they are to you. See how they react. If they are open to letting you back into their lives, ask what behaviors of yours were especially hurtful. Take responsibility, apologize and write these infractions down. Next discuss this list with a therapist or a bipolar support group to figure out what behaviors you can realistically change.
You’ll also want to create a "circle of care team," made up of your most important relationships. Your team members should be aware of your treatment and be committed to helping you as they can. You need to remember that each person has his or her own limitations and skills.
Keep in mind that you are the main player in your circle of care team, but do your best to listen to members’ concerns. Even though you feel 100 percent better now, there may be times when your mood and behaviors are potentially hurtful to others again. You may not take any action based on what they say, but still do your best to validate their feelings. It is important for your overall emotional health to maintain important friendships, stay in touch with a therapist and support group, and engage in the world around you.
Finally, I am sorry you are in the position where you need to make amends for years of mood swings that have strained your personal relationships. But I am glad to hear you are reaching out to your loved ones. You sound like you are on the road to improved mood and behavioral control, as well as a better understanding of yourself and your illness.
Do you have a health question you'd like to ask Dr. Rob? Send e-mail to experts@microsoft.com. Please include Ask Dr. Rob in the subject line.
Each of our experts responds to one question each week and the responses are posted on Mondays on MSN Health. We regret that we cannot provide a personalized response to every submission.
Robert Danoff, D.O., M.S., is a family physician and program director of The Family Practice Residency, as well as the combined Family Practice/Emergency Medicine Residency programs at Frankford Hospitals, Jefferson Health System, Philadelphia, Pa. He is the medical correspondent for CN8, The Comcast Network, a regular contributor to Discovery Health Online and a contributing writer to The New York Times Special Features. (Read his full bio.)
In response to goldengrama,
I am 26 year old woman who has dealt with bi-polar since 16 but was only recently diagnosed at around 22. This was after having gone from intense mania to deep depression, the lowest of lows. During these times the person who was affected most besides myself was my mother. She has always been the closest person to me and often this is why I hurt her the most. The reasons are hard to explain but dealing with bi-polar means that much of what we feel has to be kept inside out of fear of others thinking we are crazy. Therefore I only showed this side and was able to release this extreme tension in acts towards my mother because I knew that despite what I did, she would accept me.
It sounds weird but we often hurt the ones we love the most. This disease is confusing to us and we don't know how to handle it once the symptoms first present themselves. All you can do is be there for her and not take things personally because it is the chemical imbalance talking, not your daughter. I would often say and do things to hurt my mother because I hurt so badly and while I needed her the most during this time, I also wanted to push everyone in my life away from me.
The good news is she is getting help. Going to a therapist is the right move and the therapist may seem like a friend but what your daughter does need is someone that she feels can understand her since she herself feels she is spinning out of control at times. I also was put on a mood stabilizer that really worked although it took a few months for significant improvement, I still would have my lows, but they became less and less and not as intense. My therapist as well helped me recognize the onset and how to deal with them.
I hope a little of this helps.
My daughter is 35 and has become very abusive towards me, I am not well, and am presently living with her, my son-in-law and grandchild, she refuses to include me in any of the therapy so that I can understand so of what is happening with her, and I am only getting one side of the story, and that is second hand my son in law has gone and he thinks the counselor is just going along and agreeing with her and not really discussing the issues when he goes he said "they are more like friends," so, why does she hate me so much when I have done nothing but, stand by her and be a good parent, no matter how badly she treats me I am always there I clean her house take care of my grandchild while she is going to school, tells me that I am not as sick and doesn't understand how difficult my pain and discomfort is, and I don't know how much more I can take, one day she wants me here and then next she wants me gone, she is on meds but only for the last couple of months. I really can't live on my own, how long does it take for the medications to work and why is the episodes still just as frequent as before>
MSN Health & Fitness does not provide medical or any other health care advice, diagnosis or treatment.
