What Is a "Good Death"?
Helping to ensure a "good death"
Poets, professors, priests, and plain folks all opine about what makes a "good death." In truth, deaths are nearly as unique as the lives that came before them—shaped by the attitudes, physical conditions, medical treatments, and mix of people that accompany them.
Still, many have pointed to a few common factors that can help a death seem good—and even inspiring—as opposed to frightening, sad, or tortuous. By most standards, a good death is one in which a person dies on his or her own terms, relatively free from pain, in a supported and dignified setting. Other things to consider:
Having affairs in orderNot everyone has the luxury of planning for death. But those who take the time and make the effort to think about their deaths during life and plan for some of the details of their final care and comfort are more apt to retain some control and say-so in their final months and days of life.
Legal specifics of such planning can include taking steps to get affairs in order by:
- Having an estate plan, with a will, trust, or other arrangement that sets out who gets property and how it should be divided.
- Specifying final medical care in an advance directive.
- Making final arrangements for body burial or cremation.
- Indicating preferences for a funeral or memorial service. Psychological preparation includes talking about an impending death with caregivers, family members, and others.
Most Americans say they would prefer to die at home , according to recent polls. Yet the reality is that three-quarters of the population dies in some sort of medical institution, many of them after spending time in an intensive care unit.
As life expectancies increase, more people are becoming proactive . A growing number of aging patients are choosing not to have life-prolonging treatments that might ultimately increase pain and suffering—such as invasive surgery or dialysis—and deciding instead to have comfort or palliative care through hospice in their final days.
Having few regretsOften quoted in the literature on death and dying are the tenets in The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, a medical doctor who professes the need for a dying person to express four thoughts at the end of life:
- I love you.
- Thank you.
- I forgive you.
- Forgive me.
This supports the idea that, for many people, a good death requires ending life without unfinished business, and with reconciling damaged or broken relationships when possible.
Receiving mindful care and support- The right company can help aid a "good death." Although dying may be scary or sad or simply unfamiliar to those who are witnessing it, studies of terminally ill patients underscore one common desire: to be treated as live human beings until the moment they die.
- Most also say they don't want to be alone during their final days and moments. This means that caregivers should find out what kind of medical care the dying person wants administered or withheld and be sure that the medical personnel on duty are fitting in skill and temperament.
- Favorite activities or objects can be as important as final medical care. Caregivers should ascertain the tangible and intangible things that would be most pleasing and comforting to the patient in the final days: favorite music or readings, a vase of flowers, a back rub or foot massage, being surrounded by loved ones in quiet or conversation.
- Spirituality can help many people find strength and meaning during their final moments. Think about the patient's preferred spiritual or religious teachings and underpinnings, since ensuring access to this can be especially soothing at the end of life.
More on End-of-Life:
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So sad. My ex the father of my sons died in a hospice of over the top alcoholism,hep C,jaundice, liver shot, renal failure. His wife also a over the top drunk stood there all drunken blury eyed. She refused to let his sisters in for one last visit. Then my sons and relatives all just stormed the room. He was so happy to see everyone,she was screaming, nurses almost called the police. His last words to her were 'Sherry shut the F--- Up! There is proof he was also a battered husband,she was a mean drunk. But now he is gone to that big ol motocross race in the sky. She however received sympathy cards with 'the wrong one died' written on the bottom.
For "7peace" :
"A Brief Argument for the Suspension of Disbelief"
3:30 PM EST...Thanx for your support on this article...Whatever it takes to get you and your loved ones through this "brief passage", as you may have it, you'll find few demurs from yours truly.
However, a lesson in critical thinking is in order here :
As a kid from about 8 or 9, I read a lot of SciFi. At 61 I'm still a kid at heart and do occasionally "regress" (with impunity) to my SciFi mode. (Am now producing a SciFi script and if it makes me & my friends money, I'm going to be regressing more often, thank you.)
When you read science fiction (arguably the only legitimate literature of the 20th century, or so it will be acknowledged in say, another century or so; but I err on the side of pessimism on that point...)...when one reads SciFi, the cardinal rule of thumb for the experienced reader is an exquisitely mandatory karmic state of consciousness called "suspension of disbelief" (Samuel Taylor Cooleridge,1817) :
"Suspend" to enjoy; that's the fiction part.
"Disbelief" or "to disbelieve" means to salvage your own internal/external credibility; that's the science part !.
As good as my imagination is, I can hardly think of a better primer for critical thinking than SciFi.
Now : Enter the East.
Well, to make a potentially windy argument more tenable, I'll defer to Joseph Campbell.
Point I want to make here is really a simple reminder for those of my generation who were exposed to the teachings of Joseph Campbell, before his passing into Valhalla back in the 90's. (Sorry folks, my ancient Viking ancestry dictates that my "chonyid bardo" will be a vision of "Odin", "Vili" and I'll not forget "Ve" or suffer at my own peril, as opposed to "various visions of the Buddha").
Campbell cautions us repeatedly on internalizing or accepting any myth or religious teaching literally. Why? It's simple. Because you loose so much beauty and instruction IN THE TRANSLATION.
Hence, if I "suspend my disbelief", i.e., keeping an open mind, while reading "instructions" from a "Hindu" (who is not Hindu) like Adi Da Samraj (Franklin Albert Jones, born in Queens, New York !!) , who in fact had changed his multi-names so much no one could keep up with him (which was the point, of course!), and finally preceded his "Adi da" self -inflicted moniker with "Avatar" (Hindu for "incarnation of a higher being) and "Ruchira Avatar" ("radiantly descendant", etcetera...)...
...Well, I'm sorry folks, here is were I draw the line and : "Suspend my Belief" : permanently!!
My pinky toe radiates more than any of ole Albert's "Instructions", and I ain't talking Albert Einstein !! (actually, my toes have been radiating a little lately : time to excercise more, lose more weight and "supplicate" myself to a full pre-diabetic checkup; not quite ready yet to defer to "Adi Da's" instructions !!)
Yes, there are some good practical steps one can learn from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, notwithstanding the fact that she herself caught a glimpse (more than once !) of "Valhalla" before she was "ready"; I know a lot of California shrinks that did !
Look, all I'm saying folks : OK to "Suspend your disbelief" a little, but try just once the flavor of critical thinking before you find yourself buried too deep in your own BS !!
And since you folks aren't paying me, "The Radiant One", for further instruction or enlightenment, I'm out a here.
It's been a good ride; enjoy while you still can ! J.B. 6/19/09
With Regard To : "098483945"
9+8+4+8+3+9+4+5 = 50
50 x 0 = 0
0 x 98483945 = 0
098483945 (divided by)
098483945 =1 x 0 = 0
50+0+1-51=0 x 51= 0
And to Mr. Anonymouse below :
"Whilst thou brain doth slumber
I'll speaketh what I know...
More of God in this number
Than in your pinky toe."
Sir James Shakespeare 6/17/09
[Reply directed to preceding entry, as in Mr. Anonymouse, as is Mr. "0", or... as you like it...]
in the belfry. Not a clue.
I'm 
and
on yer parade. Persona non grata. Tu es multi stupido et el moronda e morondo et vous avez une petite s'intellience and all the other ten thousand ways to spell or misspell it out for ya...J.B. 6/17/09Please view my personal near death experience @ http://tinyurl.com/2bwkds
For Shirley,
My sister and I had a dearly loved brother, born on this day, in 1957. An insidious, slow moving brain tumor invaded his life at the age of 16, the very same kind that has stricken Sen. Edward Kennedy. A local quack called his first grand mal a "sun stroke". My brother died after much courage and suffering at the age of 20. My brother was a golden light in our family. Although I don't know you, I can relate to your feelings of guilt, except that my "guilt" takes the form of a rage that at times, were it not for the strength within, his death would have broken me. There are times when, now 31 years later, I have moments when I feel it's obscene that I yet live, while my brother, so young, had to die.
You don't get over the passing of a loved one. What you have to struggle for is the will to move on and try to make the best of the cards dealt to you. It seems to me you've had both you're share of grief, and more of your share of action in doing what you could for your husband.
Move on. Keep the light of your husband's memory with you, without letting it shackle you in chains. J.B.
"I want death to find me planting my cabbages." Montaigne, 1588.
"The worst evil of all is to leave the ranks of the living before one dies." Seneca the Younger, c.60 ACE
Hamlet: "The dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of ?"
Shakespeare, 1600
[This one's for you, Robert, from your brother.]
Toothcoach, I have thought about the memorial service thing. What I want is for people to have a good time. I've thought of making a CD(s) of my favorite songs and you wouldn't *believe* what some of them are ('Werewolves of London' by Warren Zevon for one). I would want people to party (preferably without alcohol involved) and just remember me for a fun loving person who loved the simple things in life like watching a butterfly on a flower, squirrels teasing my dog, geese flying in formation, shelling peas from our garden, things like that. I live a simple live and have tried to 'stay the course' of teachings from the 60's and 70's. I have raised two wonderful children and have wonderful grandsons by one daughter (a grand-dog by the other). And I'll truly miss my best friend, my husband. I can truthfully say without a doubt that he'll be lost without me but he'll have his two beautiful daughters that love him unconditionally to take care of him. I'm in okay health at 60 but I've lived a full life. When I have to go, I'd like to go like my Papa (my Daddy's father). He was 88 and watching TV with my grandmother and her brother and his wife (who was an RN). It was nothing for Papa to fall asleep sitting up. However, this time he wasn't asleep. He just rested his head on his chest and was gone. My mother went in her sleep but I'd been anticipating her death for so many years it was almost a relief because of what she had done to her body.
I also wonder where the notion of going to hell because you've committed suicide comes from. I believe that it is mostly a Catholic belief. It would be good to have a solid answer on that subject.
And for all of you who have lost your loved ones, you have my deepest sympathy. I usually go to bed later than my husband and sometimes he is *so* still, that I *have* to touch him to see if he's still with me. I know that I would be okay without him but there would a hole so very big in my life....
Surfyngirl..I too had as friend to kill themself. The answer will come to you through the Holy Spirit and then you will find peace. The Lord will reveal this to you. No one knows the heart of any individual but God. Who knows what their words were to the Lord before their departure on earth. Our Lord is a forgiving God and full of mercy and love. Rest in this, and the answer will come to you.
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